Ahhhh….. Soothers
Soothers are small actions people can take that help take the edge off of anxiety or shutdown. I was taught by my first trauma therapist to make two lists. One list was the first, lower level soothers. The second consisted of slightly more impactful soothers. These soothers help train your brain to manage anxiety.
Anxiety is like water; it can’t be controlled. It can only be managed.
Your subconscious needs to know that you can manage that anxiety trickling in. You reassure your subconscious and your conscious minds when you take action.
Some basic soother list examples are:
- Get some space/extra time
- Get into a space with less stimuli
- Chew some gum
- Use noise canceling headphones
- Brush your teeth
- Pet a pet
- Smell a good smell
- Look at pictures that help you feel calm
- Meditate
- Listen to music
- Take a nap
- Compliment someone!
Some more intense soother examples are:
- Take a walk
- Call or text a person in your support network
- Take a shower
- Have a cup of herbal or chamomile tea
- Get a favorite beverage or snack
- Put on different clothes
- Clean something
- Get a small present for yourself
- Read a book or article that interests you
- Do some yoga or exercise
- Get a massage
- Get a (safe!) hug
Questions to help you identify soothers could be
- Have you eaten recently?
- Are you hydrated?
- Are you tired?
- Do you have enough space?
- Are you overstimulated?
- Does something calm you in a way you can’t explain?
- Are you hungry/angry/tired/lonely/sick?
The underlying question is actually what do you need right now, and the answer is not the larger situational answer. What do you need to get through this next second or minute? What do you need this minute that can help you bridge to the next minute? These small acts of self care are often overlooked, and they are really, really important. These soothers vary from person to person, and change over time. Test them to see if they help, even a little. If they don’t, get them off the list and find something else.
People are often surprised at how hard it can be to find twenty soothers for themselves. It takes time.
Soothers don’t fix things. They help, they take the edge off, in the same way that a downspout redirects water. After a few successful tries at redirecting your attention to allow the anxiety in the moment to pass, your subconscious will trust you more.
The trust comes from even partially successful redirects. The subconscious isn’t asking for a complete fix. It’s asking for help. Once your subconscious mind sees that you are working different strategies, it will throw less anxiety at you.
I learned about this process from a therapist named Jean Coleman, and worked it myself. Jean is an amazing therapist. I have coached quite a few people through it at different stages in their journey.
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